Programming of the female brain 101

code of wives

Now that the Valentine’s Day celebrations are over and done, lovebirds tend to go back to their old ways. In some cases, that means male bird looking confused and female bird looking frustrated. In others, it means male bird looking careless and female bird flying sideways. With a chainsaw.

Here are some pointers to female psychology for serious relationship beginners. If you are at that stage with your dearest, where you feel comfortable with each other and/or live together, or you simply know this girl is worth keeping, keep on reading (and maybe taking notes?). She is more complicated than you might think, but Phenya’s here to help you crack that mother f***ing code and keep the peace in your love nest.

I.

moodsSource Code: She asks you nicely to help her with something AND she does not specify when. Do it immediately. Yes, it’s ok to finish that article on monster trucks you’re reading, but do it as soon as you can.

Bug: She starts doing it herself, loudly.

Debugging: Jump instantly to aid her and apologize for not doing it yourself 6 hours earlier, when she actually asked. Especially if your girl is majorly independent, asking for your help means she is not being a drama queen but is indeed in need. Be her hero!

 II.

moodsSource Code: She says “Do not touch me!”

Bug: Depending on the tone, either your blood freezes (scary) or your heart stops (sad). Being the brave big protective piece of a human you are, you immediately want to hug her. Witch ends in some form of vocal reaction e.g.. screaming, swearing, hissing and rather brutal physical rejection.

Debugging: Most times, that particular phrase describes either physical pain, or emotional ache. Ladies like to be hugged and touched in general, which is why it is very serious when she denies your man love. Back away, let her be. If she seems mad, let her cool down, if she seems in pain, ask if there’s anything you can do. When ready, she will resume physical contact first.

III.

Smoodsource Code: Women tend to be very attentive to their beds. If you find yourself in one of those with that special lady, keep in consideration that she had put quite a lot of thought on what sheets she should buy and keeps their regular changing under strict schedule. She is most likely a fresh bed sheets fanatic and rarely eats in bed.

Bug: You just had to eat Oreos in bed, didn’t you? Now she has a chocolate crumb stuck on her pretty little bottom and she’s pissed like no one’s business.

Debugging: There is really not much damage control to do. Swear not to do it again (yeah, we know you will do it again in about 3 days) and give her a bear hug. Tell her that if there’s anything more fantastic than her butt, it is her butt covered in Oreo crumbs!

IV. 

moodsSource Code: She has cleaned the house thoroughly; it is all sparkling and smelling like a brand new house, where no regular cooking, sleeping and farting people live. You are going out, forgot something and got back in to get it with dirty shoes.

Bug: She gives you a look (yeah, THAT look). Or a voice indication that your feet are about to be ripped off and fed to the homeless dogs, if you dare make one more step.

Debugging: In general, if you had forgotten something, ask her to fetch it for you. She’d be happy to do it, as long as you are used to saying “Thank you”. Otherwise, better get your point work game strong and practice this.

Keep up the good vibes with your lady (and you’re welcome),

love phenya love

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